There are many reasons for a dead bedroom. Lack of communication, low sex drive (libido), a failing relationship, and more. In this article, we'll talk about why your partner might have lost sexual interest and how you might be able to fix it.
Low Libido, the technical term for low sex drive, can happen to men for a variety of reasons. Sometimes low male sex drive is due to a short-term problem like stress at work or other life issues that distract your partner from having energy for sex. A busy schedule - ranging from end-of-year exams to intense work deadlines - can leave your partner exhausted and uninterested in anything more than sleep or a night of Netflix & chill, emphasis on chill.
While many men experience a sudden, temporary decrease in sex drive, if a man's sex drive lasts for six months or longer and is causing personal distress or causing relationship problem, then it's worth exploring further. Doctors use this criteria to diagnose clinical sexual dysfunction. One of the key pieces that doctors use to evaluate low sex drive in men is whether or not the problems have had an abrupt onset, or if they've been present for all or most of your life. Doctors will also check to see if you’re experiencing a complete lack of sexual thoughts and feelings or if the problem is only when you’re with your current partner.
Overall, there are many different factors that are potentially relevant when it comes to a decreased sex drive. When it comes to male libido, there can be situational, emotional, physical, and psychological issues at play. These factors include things like the medications that you're taking, religious upbringing, cultural values, and work or school schedules - each of which can affect your sex drive among many other things.
In this article, we'll explore what you or your husband, boyfriend, or male partner can and cannot control about their sex drive. Ultimately, the cause of low male libido might be one or a combination of the following factors, or it could be something unique to your own situation.
This is a common complaint that we hear from people - from those with new boyfriends to those in long-term relationships - and it's completely normal. It's common in married folks, too and this advice applies for relationships in any stage. In many cases, this is a problem that can be solved.
There are several causes for low sex drive in men that are typically temporary - these are often the first place you should look when dealing with low libido in a relationship as they tend to be more controllable life factors that affect sex drive.
Whether it's pressure from your job, exam anxiety, or something else stressful - life events that cause mental distractions are one of the most common causes for low libido in men. Aside from stressful situations literally distracting one's thoughts, hormones released during stressful times lead to difficulty getting in the mood for sex and also difficulty getting and maintaining an erection.
First, talk to your partner about what's causing them to be stressed or distracted. Other than thoughts about sex or thoughts about their performance issues related to sex - what are they thinking about when they wish their mind could stay focused on sex? What things are keeping them up at night? And what things are ultimately causing them to be distracted?
Once you pinpoint the root-cause of the issue, you can work with them to set up short-term and long-term plans to avoid or reduce stress-causing factors that are affecting their sex drive. This is easier said than done - no one WANTS to be stressed - so we recommend first thinking through immediate solutions that might be temporary, then moving on to thinking about long-term solutions.
For example, if work-related stress is identified as your partner's key distraction leading to low sex drive, try the following:
A good short-term solution is to pick 1 night (or morning, lunch, etc. - choose what works best for your schedules!) per week where the two of you can focus on each other with no distractions - no phones, no TV, no pets - just the two of you. This might feel unnatural at first if you aren't used to having intimate time dedicated to each other, but that's exactly the reason that this is a great solution. Your boyfriend or husband is likely used to trying to fit sex into times when they don't have the mental space to get away from other obligations, so as you get used to this dedicated time for sex, it will serve as a meditative time where you can intimately focus on each other with no distractions.
A good long-term solution is to think about how you can change your situation so that in one year, your current stressors no longer exist. This might mean big life changes - finding a new company whose culture fits your personality better (ditch that bad boss!), finding a new role that better aligns with your workstyle or schedule (do you really like what you do?), getting past a tough semester in school (can you find a more manageable course load next semester?), or even going to therapy to work on ways to better manage stress. This will look different for everyone, and in many cases it won't be easy, but in the long run you will be happier if you plan better for your future self.
There are many different factors that could be affecting your husband's sex drive: a medical condition, a side effect of a medication, a hormonal imbalance, stress, depression, low self-esteem, trauma, or even problems in your marriage that he hasn't brought up.
